The Goddess is calling...

I recently came across a post regarding Pagan head covering over at the lovely Iconoclastic Domina. (Read Cora's post here.) It really got me thinking. The idea of covering is an intriguing one. So much so that I have been intrigued by it since college. It wasn't until Cora's post that I started thinking about it within the realm of my own practice. Hand in hand with head covering is the idea of modest dress. Both things have been on my mind heavily for a week now.

Before we can dive into my thinking on this interesting subject, I think I need to summarize where I am right now, spiritually with the Goddess. I gave birth to my first child January 8th this year. I really thought giving birth would bring me closer to the Goddess. After all, what is more primal, more divine than bringing life into the world? Throughout my pregnancy I looked forward to finally understanding this divine act, understanding "Mother Goddess". At times I was scared of my transition from maiden to mother, but overall I looked forward to that day in great anticipation. The reality simply did not live up to my expectations. Yes, I was fully prepared for it to hurt, for it to be incredibly hard work. But I really thought I would find a power source within myself that came from the Goddess and this new found power is what would see me through. In reality, after 59 hours of intense labor, it felt more like the Goddess dragged me across the universe on a chain while I ran when I could but mostly stumbled, fell and struggled to get back up as we continued to move along. It was still a journey with the Goddess, just not the one I was prepared for.

So in short, I've been feeling a little distant from the Goddess. And I don't want to be distant. I am starting my journey into motherhood and I want her near. But I need to wrap my head around things first and find ways to reconnect. This is where the idea of modest dress and head covering have their biggest appeal. Doing something intentionally, everyday, in honor of the Goddess sounds like a wonderful way to reconnect. And head covering would set me apart in a way I feel would constantly remind me of my devotion for the Goddess. There are tons of reasons Pagans choose to head cover, from protecting the crown chakra to representing a bond/marriage with a specific deity. For me, I feel the biggest draw lies in my intention to cover.

Here is the glitch. The idea of modest dress in general throws me through a loop. Am I being called to modesty by the Goddess? I don't think so. I think I have a bigger calling from the Goddess to reveal myself. (Perhaps not my head, but my body, yes). As you may have read in other posts, I have psoriasis. I have had psoriasis for 15 years - that's exactly half my life. Learning to come to terms with my skin has been a real struggle. Starting with high school kids being mean "Ew, what is that stuff?!? Why doesn't that girl take care of her skin? Gross!" to trying to date in college feeling like a kaleidoscope of redness and flakes. Many people with psoriasis hide themselves away. They are more prone to depression; they are more prone to wearing long sleeves and pants in the summer out of fear of what the public will say. And someone with psoriasis hears it all. From "Oh my gosh, what happened to your elbow!" to "Did you hurt yourself?" or "Do you know you are bleeding?" to "My uncle's dog groomer has that and you know what he uses?..." Add in stares, weird looks, people (nurses) grabbing your body to exam plaques like you are a science experiment and people trying to slyly point their fingers at me to show a friend (trust me folks, I see you). So who can blame the many folks with psoriasis who choose to cover up, to hide. I definitely don't blame them; I have been them.

But after years of trying to come to terms with my disease, I am finally at a point where I have the confidence to walk out the door without fear. I have the confidence to wear shorts and showcase my lovely unshaved psoriasis dotted legs. Or a tank top that goes down my back and shows off my "angel wings" psoriasis plaques. I feel the Goddess has led me to this confidence so that I may educate and empower. I have the patience to explain to those who make comments what psoriasis is. When I see someone staring at my skin, I stop, say hi and explain "This is psoriasis" (Most days at least. On bad days I keep walking). And I hope that in revealing myself to the public world, I give courage to at least one other person with psoriasis. I spread the message "It's ok to have psoriasis and it is ok to show yourselves." To those with psoriasis, I want to say don't hide yourselves away, don't let the feelings of isolation and lonesomeness drag you down into depression. Know that you are beautiful and normal just as you are; step into the sunlight and bask in that knowledge.

And if all this weren't enough, getting some sun is one of the best things you can do for your psoriasis. So covering up is counter-intuitive. I've been thinking about this a lot this week. And I do feel a call from the Goddess, but it is not to cover myself. With that being said, I still think there may be something special for me in head covering. I know part of the reason I feel disconnected from the Goddess is because I don't make it a point to include her in my thoughts everyday. I have a hard time remembering to pray or reflect on her daily or even weekly. I have it on my to do list (which is harder to work through with a new born) to create a space for the Goddess. To spruce up my altar so that I can sit at it once every day and reflect. I've had my altar in a number of spots in my house. Bookcases, shelves, bedside tables. After a few days, the altar tends to melt into the background and become forgotten. My thought is to create an altar on top of our piano (it's a shorter one). That way I have a seat built right into the space so it is as easy as possible to sit down, light a candle and just "be" with the Goddess. And I think covering my head while I do this might be the added intention I need to make this a lasting habit and to truly reconnect with the Goddess.

So that is my plan... buy a new Goddess candle (I used mine up during labor), set up an altar on top of my piano, find a nice scarf to cover with as I pause for a moment with the Goddess. Where I go from there with head covering, only time will tell.