The Time of Catholic Descent

Written in the Spring of 2003. This is when the Goddess spoke.

11:48am
    How could this be true? She covered her face with her hands, trying to hide any of the emotions swirling in her and around her and out of her. The room was making her dizzy and nauseous; she no longer felt grounded. It was as if nothing would keep her in this world. She looked around at her co-workers. They were surprised, shocked even, but they were grounded. Kijjet grabbed her chair, hoping the contact would prevent her from running away. Drowning out the sounds of her supervisor, telling them not to worry, Kijjet glanced at her watch. Ten minutes were left of the meeting, ten minutes that Kijjet had to stay composed as she felt her entire world torn down piece by piece, a building no longer needed, condemned to decay. She squeezed her hand as a distraction, forcing herself not to think about it. Ten minutes of numbness, ten minutes of forced breaths. The time passed slowly, tortuously because ‘community and friends are what people need at times like this.’ Kijjet only needed an exit, a secret door to obscurity.

12:01pm
    “Are you ok, Kijjet? I know how close you are to Vicki. I’m here for you if you want to talk, ok?” The walls of the office began to look wet, releasing the tears Kijjet had not the courage to spill. Christie, her supervisor, did not notice the walls. Her eyes rested fixed on Kijjet.
    How to escape, how to escape? Oxygen seemed to vanish as Christie’s worried gaze bored into her. Kijjet scrambled for language to excuse herself, scrambled for breaths she had no will to take. “Oh… don’t worry about me, I’m fine. But I have to go. I have a, uh, an interview in a few minutes for a summer job.” Kijjet turned her head quickly, desperately craving a quick, uneventful departure from the world that no longer existed for her. She needed to be outside, to be alone, to be invisible.

12:03pm
    It was cooler than Kijjet expected outside. She drank in the air in large gulps, as she pressed her hand against the cool stone of the archway. The stone was real but Kijjet was unsure of trusting it. She had to find some fake sense of reality, some distraction to elude the hurricane of emotion that tore away at her stomach. She felt the power of it behind her eyes but feared its release. Kijjet knew she would not have the energy to control the gates once they had opened. 12:05. Her interview was in ten minutes. Ten minutes to regain control, ten minutes of tortured, repressed reality.
    Kijjet needed a cigarette, a calming force. Something, anything to make her feel normal, real, untouched. She fumbled with her lighter, but soon the air she drank in so readily was contaminated with smoke. A reminder of tortures to come, of tortures already here. She put the cigarette out; it had only given power to the hurricane rumbling inside her. Kijjet sat on a shabby yellow curb, unbothered by the grass-splattered mud. Kijjet touched her face, her hair, her elbows, her knees. She was real no matter how much she wished otherwise. Taking deep breaths, Kijjet forced herself to believe she was capable of normalcy. She soon would have to pretend she was excited about the summer job, pretend that her mind was completely focused on getting the job. She tried to smile, but the fakeness of it left a bitter taste in her mouth, a taste of childhood.

12:15pm
    Walking into the group interview, Kijjet was assaulted by happy faces, realities that had not been recently tarnished. She sat down and forced herself to breathe. It wasn’t long before the shared reality of the other interviewees tore down the last remains of normalcy Kijjet clung to. The hurricane could no longer be stopped; there was nothing holding it in. She walked quickly toward the two women in charge of the interview, hoping to release herself before all composure was lost. In a voice that was no longer hers, full of holes, emptiness, and defeat, Kijjet spoke to her potential employer. “Deb… I’m sorry. I can’t do this today. I found out today that… someone very close to me is… sick… and I just can’t be here right now. I’m sorry.” Kijjet left the room before the looks of concern could penetrate her shell; tearing down the layers of strength she had forced herself to wear.

12:18pm
    She reemerged outside but it was no longer Kijjet. She was lost in the storm that consumed her, almost drowning in the harsh waters of the storm. Kijjet only knew two things; she had to stay outside and she had to stay alone. Inside, the walls caved in, crowding her, squeezing her lungs of breath. People, tore her apart even further with concern, with unwanted sympathy. Kijjet walked without direction, turning every time she approached someone. She needed to take refuge behind something solid, something unmistakably real and someplace that the sun could force her to breath, could force the chill of uncertain death out of her lungs.

12:32pm
    When she awoke from the haze that had contained her, worsened by her unwillingness to confront it, she found herself on metal steps. With her back against a building, she realized she was hidden in the shadows of the emergency exit steps behind Whitley hall. Something, a force much greater than herself had led her here, knowing what she needed. An emergency exit. Wiping the remaining tears on the dingy remnants of cloth that had once formed the cuffs of her jacket, Kijjet began to feel an uncomfortable reality slip in. The reality, although awkward, allowed her mind to process little by little the purpose of this punishment.
    Like so many other times of emotional exodus, His voice found her. His voice echoed inside her head, saying things she had always accepted. “You must go through this. This is but another test of your faith. This is a test of Vicki’s faith as well. She will be alright, if she believes.” The voice sparked a chill that ran the course of her back, but for the first time, it sparked an anger that vibrated in her chest. For the first time, she questioned the voice’s authority, questioned His validity and knew in her anger that He was wrong.
    In her desperate search for truth, Kijjet shook her body to let loose the voice of a god that had ruled her instead of accompanying her on her journey. Inside her head, her voice out-powered His, as she screamed “NO” to His lies. The very moment her scream had subsided, a new voice arouse from His ashes. The new voice spoke to her in soft feminine tones and Kijjet could feel its power against her shoulder.
    “Look around you, Kijjet. See the world. Do you see? Do you see the colors mingling with each other? Do you see the life present in everything? It all works together. You cannot separate the rain from the sky, or the bark from the tree. There is a delicate balance, Kijjet. The dark and the light, the good and the bad… they are equal in their opposition and are equally needed. Should the world always be ruled by the sun, we would not know to miss the presence of the moon. Your struggle is the same. Would you know so deeply your love for Vicki, if this struggle had not beset her? Kijjet, you are not powerless. For we are all connected, and thus can affect all we are connected to. There are no distinct lines separating us. Look at the world, Kijjet. See yourself in everything around you. It is as much a part of you, as you are a part of it. Know that… and your power is found.”
    Like a combination long set in motion, the final number clicked in place and Kijjet did see. With an understanding she was not fully aware of, she knew what she must do. Off her jacket she took the red carnation from the previous days “Take back the Night” march. Still guided by the voice of the new goddess, she infused her love into the petals of the carnation, releasing them into the world. Knowing they would find Vicki. A calmness settled within her as she watched the petals dance with the wind. Breast cancer would not win Vicki’s life. Vicki’s strength combined with Kijjet’s love would overcome the darkness ahead.